if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
just had to take a 4 hour nap to write a one page paper. its obviously the week after winter break.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
Inquiring minds want to know if your Bf is circumcised
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
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