paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Randomize
