I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
You pointed at his crotch then made a thrusting motion. I think it's safe to say every guy at my college loves you.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
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