apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
I just want to meet whoever runs the hall cameras
hahahaha I don't. Watch one day i'll be walking along and someone will stop me and say "oh you're that one girl who is out. of. control." But then they'd probably give me a high five.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
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