Omg I def was not. I wasn't that drunk. I showed that I stuff my bra but I didn't whip my tit out.
Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
38 yer olds are good kisserssss
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
so I think I'm done having sex with her, she's way too crazy
what about the blowjobs for adderall?
no those are still okay
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Randomize
