I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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