I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Randomize
