oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
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