good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
My girlfriend figured out who you are.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Randomize
