She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
Randomize
