my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
I'm going to an arts college, I live next to the frat houses, and my room number is 420. god has plans for me and I couldn't be happier.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
hey, this is the ginger girl from the party...i've thought about it and I wanna join the american girl drinking team
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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