and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
Randomize
