This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
Randomize
