My hair reeks of homosexuality.
She said her name was "party"
I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
Randomize
