cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
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