When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
barbara walters just said penis...
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
Randomize
