HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
