ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
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