turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
two words: eviction party
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
Randomize
