I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
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