I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
Randomize
