I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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