i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
Randomize
