Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
I took did three shots of fireball and did and handstand. When I stood up some busty slut lead me my the hand down the hall into her dorm room.
But I'm sure your having and "a monumentally better time" repeating the 12th grade
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Randomize
