Fuck you I wanted that fabulous flaming homo to win american idol...its like we lost the gay marriage vote...again
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
Randomize
