I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
