If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
Randomize
