Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
