i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
Randomize
