Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
if only i could text you this smell
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
