everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
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