last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
Haga you didnt jbsii whee wu an therer
Party on wayne
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
