highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
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