my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
at a bar and heard one girl tell another her tampon string was showing she goes i dont want it in anymore anyways. then proceeds to pull out her tampon in the middle of the bar and leave it on a plate. ewwww
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
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