worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
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