My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
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