I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
I would reevaluate a bf who is happy with other guys doing me.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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