and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
Randomize
