My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
Randomize
