Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
I am available for nakedness
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
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