it was nice. we just kind of hung out. she didnt even mention the farting incident.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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