there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
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