Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
