Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
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