so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
