Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
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