Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
whose parrot is this?
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Randomize
