i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
Apparently they shut down a cook out cause people were selling drugsout the drive thru. Nice to be home
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
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