My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
why is pumping your own stomach in your searches on youtube?
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
Randomize
