Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Randomize
