I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
Randomize
