Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
Randomize
