The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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